Smiling Through the Mask

In last weeks devotion, I opened up a bit about my past and current struggle with depression. Depression as a disease is a scary thing to go through for many reasons. However, for me the toughest part of depression was that the disease is inside of you- and until you get help, it actually is in control.

I was able to block my personal acceptance that it I was going through depression and needed medical help. And so, I went for a long period of time telling myself that everything would be okay while not really being okay. I later learned that while not a clinical diagnosis, this was often called “smiling depression.” At the time I remember smiling (ha) at this title because, I would drop my children off at school, walking through the hallways and the parking lot saying “hi” to people, smiling, but on the inside feeling completely empty. I remember sitting in the car thinking about how scary it was that I could put on this smiling face as if everything was fine, but on the inside feel so empty and alone and yet know one knew.

I actually compared it to a mask. At the time I only thought of it as an external mask as I described above. But now, I know that the mask was internal also. For me, the internal mask was and is displayed through food abuse. My issue then (and now) is the reliance on food to make me feel less empty. Instead of medication, I use food to calm my nerves, much like sedatives soothing angry feelings and lifting sad ones. For that moment, it is my great escape from reality. But only for that moment.

Unfortunately, my reliance on food and consequential weight gain and quite honestly feeling that I had no control, lead to other repercussions. Of course there were the physical outcomes of weight gain related to health and living. But there were also the emotional outcomes. My self esteem was destroyed. I was frustrated with myself for not having the control I wanted. I also had lost hope that anything could change, would change.

The first time I went through depression, I was able to find medication to help those symptoms. However, my battle with food abuse continued. Life was stressful, with four young children, a hectic schedule and finding time to work on my doctorate. And even when all of that was done, I still struggled.

It wasn’t until I found a system that worked not only with the diet side of eating, but also the psychological side of eating that I found some success. Over a period of time I was able to lose 60 pounds. Not all the weight I needed to lose, but it was a strong dent. Holding on firmly to 2 Timothy 4:7, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith,” I even ran a half marathon which (sorry any runners who are reading this) was not about the running, the distance or the time, but about the fight to beat my food addiction battle, my race to live a healthy life and my faith that God is who I must put my faith and trust in for ALL things.

Today, I find myself in a space again, where I need to fight this depression, once again overcome this food addition and lose the weight I have gained back, and most importantly rely and trust in God as my source once again. I love that God always provides, in big and small ways. This week, every devotion I read focused on putting my faith and trust in God alone (not myself). I love that God knows when He just needs to literally hit me over the head with a message.

And so, I start this journey again. For anyone reading this that finds themselves in a similar place, it would be an honor to pray for you (as I also pray for myself in this journey).

I pray that God will empower you to find liberty from food abuse and addiction through His truth. I pray that you will no longer be held captive by obsessive thoughts about food or your unhealthy views of the body God gave you. May the Lord be your strength in your weakness. May you find yourself in a new relationship with Him in which you experience His love in a deeper way than you ever could have imagined. May you truly be filled with the Sprit and no longer held in chains. I pray that you will feel the presence of God surround you, encouraging you and holding your hand in every step forward. And may God use your transformation to bring freedom into the lives of others. Amen.