Not Again…

When my children were young (all four under the age of five), I suffered from postpartum depression. It was not something that I talked about, in fact I was embarrassed and ashamed at the time. I actually pretended like it wasn’t a big deal for at least 6 months, believing that I would soon “snap out of it.”

But as time went on, it was clear that not only was it not going to go away, but I was actually getting worse. I moved from crying all the time to a deeper place where there were no more tears just thoughts about myself that I now know weren’t true but at the time felt very true.

Once I did move forward in getting the help I needed, the process of healing took a long time, there was no quick fix. And in some ways, it feels like a lifetime ago, a blurry memory almost forgotten. Yet, in other ways, I remember it vividly.

Those were times that I thought I had (thankfully) made it through, until recently. It’s been almost a whole month since I’ve posted a blog. During that month (and really before that if I am being honest), I have been (slowly) realizing that I am struggling with depression again. And AGAIN I didn’t want to admit it. Not so much because I was embarrassed or ashamed this time, more because I was disappointed.

Depression was a thing I had tackled and won (so I thought). And so, I have been feeling frustrated. Frustrated that I don’t have control over my emotions. Truly feeling completely out of control. And trying to gain that control through food, which not only doesn’t help, but makes me feel worse about myself.

However, this week, in my morning devotion, I was reminded of the Bible verse, “The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalm 27:1. The author of the devotion pointed out that David in this verse had shifted his focus from “what ifs” and “whys” to “even if.”

It was with this verse and the devotion that I was reminded that even when I can’t control my emotions and my thoughts on my own, I can rest in assurance that God is with me and because of that I don’t have to fear or worry.

And so beginning this week, I have started the healing process. Thanks to the advice of a good friend, I have allowed myself to cry when I need to. And thanks to the gift of the devotion, I say these words many times during each day, “God I don’t know how to do this on my own, but I do know that You are with me; I am not alone.”

If you are struggling with depression, I want you to know that you are not alone either. God is with you and because of that truth, you have nothing to fear. Please reach out to me if you would like for me to pray with you or for you. I would consider it an honor.

If you like what you are reading, please subscribe to my blog or like/follow my Facebook/Instagram pages.

Also join me next week as I dig deeper into this idea of trying to control our lives (for me it is with food).